Extreme Matchmaker: Magenta Style
by Kitalene Crimson
Summary: An AU Rocky Horror fic, set on Transexual, Transylvania. Riff Raff and Frank are the two most eligble bachelors on the planet, but both are very lonely. Will Riff's little sister do something about it? Of course she will.
1. My Interfering Sister

**AN: Hello! You might be surprised to see me posting, but I now have help from the amazing writer Ninety-Six Smiles. (THANK YOU!) This fic is totally AU, and set in Transylvania. Enjoy the madness...**

"Riff, I vant you to go on vun more date. Please?"

"No, Magenta."

"Vhy not?"

"You know why."

"Too bad. It's already set up. He'll be vaiting for you."

"Why must you interfere constantly? It's my life."

"You're lonely. I'm your sister. And how many seventeen-year-olds on zis planet are single? Not many. I vant you to be happy, Riff."

The siblings continued to argue. While they did, Riff Raff thought about what had led up to this. It started when he was fourteen and Magenta was eleven. Magenta had always been worried about her brother's obsession with "love" and "romance". There was no place for either in the sex-oriented culture of their planet. This was proven by the fact that nearly all Transylvanians had boyfriends or girlfriends (either, nobody discriminated) by the age of twelve or thirteen. In fact, Magenta had a girlfriend, a sweet high-voiced girl by the name of Columbia.

Riff Raff had dealt with people chasing since he was ten. He would admit to being good-looking, with his styled blond hair, blue eyes and pale skin. He also wore the typical Transylvanian clothing, sparkly corsets with fishnet stockings, heels and thick makeup. Riff had so many girls and boys after him that he could have chosen from virtually half the planet. But he couldn't, for reasons only he truly understood.

He didn't love any of them. Not one.

Riff Raff recalled a date with a girl who was seemingly perfect. She was a perfect match according to Magenta, to their parents, to everyone in the world except him. She was good-looking, intelligent, charming and seemed to like Riff. But there was no romantic chemistry, no butterflies in the stomach, no shy glances or awkward flirtation like in those Earth romance novels he read avidly.

Now Riff was seventeen, and totally alone. But he refused to give up on the idea of love. It was all he could trust, with the exception of his sister. But could he even trust her anymore? She was arranging dates for him behind his back, making secret plans.

"Magenta, if I were to go on this date, would you promise to leave me alone and stop making plans for me?"

"Mayyybe..."

"Fine. When is this date?"

"In five days. I have a good feeling about zis vun, Riffy. Do not screw it up. You hear me?"

"Okayyyyyyy! Now let me go and brush my hair."

Magenta replied in a tone as sugary-sweet as her low, heavily accented voice could manage. "Yes, brozer dear. Make yourself pretty for your date vith Frank Furter."

"Wait... _Prince_Frank Furter?"

Magenta winked and skipped away without a word. Riff sank into a chair disbelievingly.  
_  
My sister has really done it now. She has set me up on a date with the prince of the whole damn planet._

_Why do I even bother?_

**To be continued...**_  
_


	2. Sandwiches and Servants

**AN: Yes, I update quickly. This chapter is rated a solid T for Frank's dirty mind. It's set before Chapter 1, but not by much. Maybe an hour. Enjoy!**

Prince Frank N. Furter was bored. So bored, he would wear a bikini and jump into a volcano for a bit of entertainment. He was so bored that he was a few minutes away from shrivelling up and collapsing. He didn't think he'd ever been so bored in his life, and was certain he never would be again. He was TOTALLY FREAKING bored, and wasn't keeping it to himself.

"I am so bored. Bored, bored, bored. I am about to die of boredom, and that would be a lousy thing to have on my tombstone."

The maid cleaning the carpet ignored him. This happened at least twice a day.

"Maid, make me a sandwich! It must have cheese, bacon, lettuce, tomato, onion, more bacon, and ground onyx. Right away!"

"Yes, your Majesty."

The maid scurried out, leaving Frank to his thoughts. There was probably only one thing that would relieve his boredom, and that was some mind-blowing sex. He picked up the phone to call someone, but was surprised by the phone ringing before he could.

_What? Oh, someone must be calling me first! I bet it's Renata._

But when Frank answered the phone, he was answered by an unfamiliar, accented voice.

"Hello? Is zis Prince Frank Furter?"

"Yes," the young prince answered. "Who is this?"

"Magenta Vitus, a loyal subject."

"Okay, why are you calling?

"It's about my brozer, Riff Raff Vitus. Surely you've heard of him."

Of course. Riff Raff Vitus. His looks had more people going after him than anyone else on the planet, with the exception of Frank himself.

"Yes, I have. What about him?"

There was a deep breath from the other side of the line. "I vant to ask if you could maybe take him out on a date."

"Wait, isn't he like, seventeen now? Surely he'd already be with someone. But if he's looking for a little something on the side, I can-"

"No! Zis is a little embarrassing, but my brozer is still single."

"That's all? I'm single! Can't tie myself down to one person, I'm too much of a sex master!"

"You don't understand. You see..." Another deep breath, and then the next words came out quick and jumbled. "Rfrasavin."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Riff. Raff. Is. A. Virgin."  
_  
What? She can't be serious. A seventeen-year-old virgin? That is insane. Usually, no way would I take that up. But... I've seen what that Riff Raff looks like. Might as well tap that. Because like I said, I am a sex master._

"So, vould you still like to go?"

"Sure, why not? Get him to meet me at Crescent Diner, in five days time, at 8:30pm. Let me know if anything changes. Now, I have to go. My sandwich just arrived."

Frank took a bite of his sandwich as he hung up the phone.

_Excellent. I know I'm getting laid in a few days. But as for now..._

He started dialing Renata's number.

**To be continued...**


	3. Who Are You Calling Insane?

**AN: Thanks for all the amazing reviews! Keep them coming, because they seem to reverse writer's block. Special shout-outs to Ninety-Six Smiles, HeadInTheClouds130, and The Female Carlton!**

**Just so you know: All flames will be converted to antimatter and used to power a laser.**

Magenta and Columbia were having a picnic on the beach when they first discussed Riff Raff and Frank's date. Columbia had asked her girlfriend to pass the fruit salad, then asked: "So how's it going trying to find someone for your brother?"

Magenta smiled. "Everyzing is going vell. I found somevun _very_suitable."

"Who? Who? Is it Blanche from across the road?"

"No, I tried her a few months ago. Riff rejected her."

Columbia frowned. "Then who could it be?"

Magenta put on a pompous accent. "None ozer zan ze great Prince Frank Furter."

"What? Really?" When Magenta nodded, Columbia screeched, "Get outta town! You know what this means right? It means if they hit it off and stay together, we might end up as princesses!"

"Um, really? I vasn't sure. Anyvay, can you pass me a biscuit?"

As Magenta munched on the biscuit, she thought about what Columbia had said. Princesses. Now that was appealing.

Magenta had been trying to find someone for Riff Raff for three years, shortly after she started dating Columbia. After all, everyone deserved some good sex. On Transylvania, a typical relationship was more "friends-with-benefits" than anything else. Actual feelings of love were rare and often ignored in favour of sexual prowess.

Magenta had gone around houses looking for singles around Riff Raff's age. There were still quite a few at that time, but Riff had refused every one of them. It was infuriating. She was trying to be a good sister, but all Riff did was throw it back in her face. Also, she was called insane a good many times. Now Riff Raff was single at seventeen. Seventeen! The very idea!

"Riff, vhy did you say no to her? I heard Blanche is better at sex zan just about ze whole town!"

"So?"

"_So_, try her! Maybe zen you'll see vhat you've been missing. Besides, you're seventeen. Who ze hell is a virgin at seventeen?"

"You may not understand, but I'm saving myself."

"For vhat? Marriage?" Magenta's scorn was evident. Marriage was very rarely performed, it being seen as unnecessary.

"For someone who loves me, and who I love in return."

"_Love._Don't start on zat nonsense again. I try and try to find somevun for you! I bring you ze best of ze best! Everyvun zinks you're stuck-up now for refusing so many, and you know vhat? SO DO I!" Magenta had stormed away in a fury, leaving a totally calm and unaffected Riff Raff to himself.

Didn't he get it? Magenta just wanted her brother to find someone good, screw this _love._After all, love should be left to those crazy backward Earthlings.

_So far behind in not just technology, but society,_ Magenta thought. _They're still struggling to accept same-sex relationships! Transylvania got past that at least three millennia ago._

Well, Magenta had set up the mother of all dates. And if Riff screwed this up, he was toast. Burnt, crispy toast without butter.

**To be continued...**


	4. Blackcurrant, NOT Blueberry

**AN: Hi! I'm sorry I haven't updated for a while, but, as many of you know, writer's block is a real bitch. Now, I'm not one of those writers who says "I want so-and-so reviews or I won't update!", but I really would appreciate some feedback. Especially constructive criticism. I'm writing this mostly for fun, but partly to become a better writer.**

_Ninety-eight... ninety-nine... one hundred!_

Once Riff Raff's hair was brushed, he started on the makeup. Considering how much he wore, it was a difficult task. First, the eyeshadow. Riff Raff favoured silvery-grey, it highlighted his eye colour. Then came the mascara and blah blah blah boring makeup descriptions blah blah blah.

Riff's favourite part of makeup was applying lipstick. He loved seeing the colour spread over his mouth, especially if it was a dark colour. He reached for his favourite flavour, Blackcurrant, which he kept in the top drawer.  
_  
Mmm, blackcurrant. It looks hot and tastes delicious, my two lipstick requirements. Wow, I sound like a TV ad!_

Riff Raff brought out the lipstick, and without looking at the label, applied it to his lips. He was only halfway through when he realised something was terribly wrong.

"!"

Riff stormed out of his room, furious. When he found Magenta in the kitchen, she stifled a laugh.

Why? Because Riff Raff's lips were painted in a horrendous shade of Blueberry. Like, neon blue, but way worse.

"Magenta Indigo Vitus, this is not funny! You know I have to get ready for my date!"

"Ze date zat you are not excited or nervous about at all, like you told me? So it really doesn't matter if you look like an idiot."

"It's a sign of respect to look my best. He's the freaking Prince!"

"For vhat it's vorth, I didn't steal your stupid blackcurrant lipstick. But seriously, you have an unhealthy obsession vith ze stuff. Maybe you needed zis to happen."

Riff Raff let out a sound of frustration and left the kitchen. On the way back to his room, he almost knocked over an overexcited Columbia who had been tap-dancing her way to the kitchen. Riff rolled his eyes, and turned to leave. However, he just couldn't ignore the smirk the small girl was sporting.

"Wardrobe malfunction, Riffy?"

"Don't call me that," Riff muttered. Seriously, the girl was like a second annoying little sister.

"And anyway, I didn't have a choice. A certain teenage girl swiped my Blackcurrant flavour and replaced it with this. A certain girl that I AM FURIOUS WITH!" Riff yelled the last part, hoping Magenta would hear it. He didn't notice Columbia go completely white and mutter "Oh crap" under her breath.

Riff Raff went back to his room and wiped off the horrible lipstick. He was happy to see it wash down the drain. But now what? He had no Blackcurrant lipstick, and he couldn't wear Blueberry. No way in Hell.

When Riff opened his top drawer to throw out the Blueberry lipstick, he noticed a note in the drawer, next to a full tube of Blackcurrant. The note read:

**Dear Riff:**

I'm really sorry for stealing your lipstick. It's just that I ran out of Blackcurrant and I needed some more but didn't have any money. But I got my pocket money yesterday and now I'm replacing your lipstick. So, please forgive me.

Love, your sister, Magenta

Riff smiled and applied Blackcurrant lipstick.

Columbia was tap-dancing in the living room when she saw the note. It was on a coffee table, having been placed there while the girl was absorbed in her dance. She opened and read it.  
**  
Dear "Magenta",**

I forgive you. But you should know I'm buying padlocks for my makeup drawers. And my clothes drawers. And my shoe drawers. We clear?

Riff Raff

P.S. Columbia, you suck at forgery. Not to mention your total lipstick fail. Blueberry, really?

**To be continued...**


End file.
